Niki’s Crap DVD Clearout Review Extravaganza! part 3
About seven years ago I bought a DVD player from the Blockbuster in Finchley. It cost me £200. I could have got a much better one for that sort of money but you see this one came with 50 free movies! Bargain!
Well the DVD player is long gone but the movies remain for two reasons, firstly and ironically the cheap double sided discs would not play properly in the cheap DVD player they came free with and secondly, despite starring such luminaries as Brad Pitt, Kevin Spacey and Russell Crowe they are uniformly awful. Seriously, the biggest film of the bunch is The Lawn Mower Man!
As the years have rolled by they have sat on my shelf in the ‘I’ll get round to them some day’ pile and what better reason to get stuck into them than to inflict my reviews on you gentle people.
As well as a review I shall be giving them a mark out of five which will not only be an indication of quality but a prediction of their very immediate future:
***** Might actually keep
**** Attempt to sell on Ebay
*** Straight to the nearest charity shop
** Straight to the nearest bin
* Will give away as a gift to anyone who makes me listen to Coldplay
So here goes…
Titanic – The Legend Goes On
Wow! We’re only on movie number three and if they continue to decline in quality at this rate I may not make it to 50.
So, here we have the story of Titanic. Not the fictional James Cameron love story / CGI fest, no this is the true story. You know, the one with all the songs and talking animals. Yes dear reader, this is a children’s animated musical about the most famous passenger ship disaster in history. Brace yourself!
This Italian abomination not only rips of the Kate and Leo flick but also manages to cram in nods to Anastasia, An American Tale, Cinderella, 101 Dalmatians and even Sherlock Holmes. It tells the tale of a poor yet beautiful and large breasted girl called Angelica who is the ward of an evil crone and her two ugly daughters. She is on board the Titanic in hope of finding her mother whose picture she keeps in a locket round her neck. On board she meets a handsome architect and they quickly fall in love only for him to tragically die when the ship goes down. Well, actually that doesn’t happen, this is a kids film after all, so instead they rewrite history and have everyone magically survive, or at least all of the main characters, everyone else’s fate is just kinda brushed over. But I’m getting way ahead of myself.
Also on board are whole bunch of talking animals, from dogs, to mice, to birds, who all seem to bond together to help Angelica find her locket, which she dropped and was picked up by a smarmy French man who gives it to the incredibly large breasted chanteuse aboard the ship. But more of her later. The animals all seem to get on except for one fat cat and a chihuahua who are the token evil pets. The cat, being that it’s her nature, wants to eat the mice but early attempts are thwarted by a noble dog (who looks suspiciously like Tramp from Lady and the Tramp). The mice thank him, he accepts their thanks humbly and goes on his way. Oh wait! No he doesn’t, he bursts into a terrible 80’s style rap called Party Time! Yes, in a film set in 1912 a dog suddenly dons a baseball cap and busts out some rhymes even Hammer wouldn’t touch with his exceptionally large trousers, no words can truly do it justice so thanks to the wonder that is Youtube here it is for you all to enjoy –
Yes that really just happened. This has to be one of the least expected things I have ever seen in a movie, and to make it even more surreal, for the rest of the film the dog talks in a posh accent!
The film is barely an hour long yet in that time they try to cram in an old woman and her two bumbling jewel thieves, a posh woman and her dog who are apparently up to some scam that’s never fully explained, a hapless detective, and the aforementioned French man’s advances on the busty singer who spends the film singing the most dreary and anachronistic ballads I have ever heard.
Scenes smash into each other in an attempt to fit everything in and to be honest it was a bit of a relief when the bloody iceberg hit them. Though this did spawn some rather curious dialogue from two of the sailors –
“What? You’ve never seen mist before?”
“That’s not just ice!”
Baffling, no wonder it sank.
Once the berg hits the film pretty much follows Cameron’s movie including a hilarious moment echoing the ‘band plays on’ scene which instead features our busty singer still trawling out her awful ballad on deck among the chaos. After trying to fool us into thinking that our heroine’s poor love interest is dead he soon comes back to life and everybody acts far happier than they should be when stuck on a life boat in the middle of the Atlantic.
Man alive, I would gladly watch Primal Species 100 times before having to watch this again! Apart from all the flaws I have already stated the dubbing is horrible, the poor actors are trying to match the original lip sync as much as possible meaning that the dialogue is weird and disjointed. The animation is no better, looking like a hybrid of The Mysterious Cities of Gold and early laser disc game Dragon’s Lair, coupled with an awful CGI Titanic which the makers appear so proud of that they use it as an establishing shot between every scene. Loops of animation are used over and over again, especially in the final sinking scenes, for a film that’s an hour long there must only be about 30 minutes of original animation.
So there you have it, a milestone in my movie watching, the worst animated movie I have ever seen. The production company who made it was called Titanic Cartoons. I dread to think what other horrific moments from human existence they’ve also set to animation. Storming the beaches at Normandy perhaps or the Nuremberg Rallies with Hitler as a rapping dog.