The Worst People To Meet At A Rock Gig – REDUX!
A while back I posted and article entitled ‘The 8 Worst People To Meet At A Rock Gig’. The response it got was nothing short of overwhelming. In fact it got more hits than all the other articles on this site put together. Clearly I was not alone in my anger at these people.
Since posting I have received a large number of suggestions for other folk who deserved a place in the rogue’s gallery, so I thought it was time for a revisit. So here are five more people who get on our last nerve when we’re trying to watch a band, as voted by you, the people.
5. The Couple
The couple are the guy and girl who try to get as close to the stage as possible despite the fact that the girl is 5 feet tall and about 8 stone. The guy then spends the rest of the gig defending her from incomers who are doing nothing more that enjoying the mosh pit. As I’ve said before, the pit is an inclusive place, but why would you want to spend an entire gig protecting the person you love from physical injury?
I only once found myself in the position of the couple. It was watching the Chili Peppers at Brixton Academy. My tiny girlfriend and I had worked our way through the crowd to a good spot but the second they hit the stage and launched into ‘Suck My Kiss’ the crowd went insane and she went flying. I literally lifted her off her feet and carried her back a safe distance. I’ve never done it again. Why would you?
Extra vilification goes to the couple who spend the whole gig with their lips locked together. Why the hell are you even here?
4. The Farter
How could I have forgotten this guy? A mosh pit is already a place of special fragrance without this guy clouding it up with his toxic storm. Coupled with the fact that inside an airless room full of sweaty people the damn thing can linger for minutes, and the fact that you can’t even usually tell who it was so you have nowhere to direct your hate.
I recently attended a Status Quo gig with my Dad at the O2 in Greenwich. I don’t care what you think, they were great, sadly the old man farts that assaulted my nose throughout were not.
Next time you’re heading to a gig, think carefully about the last few meals you’re having. Other people’s olfactory senses are depending on it.
3. The Protester
“Oh you made a giant banner to show how much you fancy the bass player, that’s cute”. Guess what isn’t cute? Blocking the view of the 15 people stood behind your dullard self. There’s a little something called line of sight and when you raise a large canvas obstruction between me and the stage I CAN’T FUCKING SEE!
The same goes for all you flag bearers. I don’t care if come from Wales, nobody does, you’ve only come to Donnington, it’s not a great feat. The worst of it though is being at a festival when it starts to rain. As the heavens open you’ll suddenly you’ll find yourself surrounded by hundreds of people who’ve never heard of a Pac-a-mac, and instead decided a golfing umbrella was a much more sensible choice. I hope you’re not too attached to your eyeballs.
2. The Bombardier
We’ve all been there. That awful moment at a gig when you get hit by something wet. Was it water? Was it beer? Was it urine? You don’t know, and frankly there’s fuck all you can do about it even if you did.
This is all thanks to The Bombardier. The knucklehead for whom every gig is some sort of Olympic games for cunts. Thanks mate, I really wanted your dregs of beer and spit down the back of my head, and that’s if you’re lucky. I once got caught on the back of the head by a thick plastic glass so hard that it broke the skin (it was at a Biohazard gig so I did my best to style it out). If I wanted to get physically injured at a gig I’m perfectly capable of doing it myself thank you very much. Drop your glass to the floor like a normal person and then preferably leave.
1. The Groper
How can I put this in a way that everyone will understand? If you deliberately feel up a girl during a gig who isn’t your girlfriend or hasn’t given you express permission to do so YOU ARE SEXUALLY ASSAULTING HER!
How was that? Clear enough?
This person was left off the original list because, being a guy, it’s not one I have been a victim of. However it is clearly the most heinous of all the crimes we’ve listed. It shouldn’t even need saying but women have a right to enjoy a gig without being molested by some tragic pervert who thinks they’ll get away with it because of the safety of the crowd.
Sure, sometimes where your hands end up in a mosh pit is pretty much out of your control, but if you wilfully feel up the poor girl in front of you or crowd surfing over you, you deserve to be beaten. Pure and simple.
And if you’re that special kind of asshole whose reaction is “Come on love, I’m just having a laugh”, try to imagine if a sweaty, 6 foot guy came over and grabbed your junk ‘just for a laugh’. Not very funny now is it? Prick!
So there you have it! Have I covered all bases or are there still some bastards out there going unpunished? Let me know.